Only a week and a half left for school, but it seems like forever.
I can't wait for school to finally finish. It seems like this year really went faster than the previous ones though. Maybe it's because I actually did work harder, and hopefully it will pay off.
I have a few things in mind for this summer. Beside finding a job, of course, I want to be more productive. Read a few books, and maybe be a little more physically active. I want to fill my days with things to do, because if I just sit around idly, I will probably get really depressed, and that's just a waste of time.

I've been feeling really peaceful lately. For the first time in my life, I am starting to feel apathetic towards everyone. Before, I always thought about others, my family, my friends, etc. I would worry about them, and about being separated from them someday. But now, I realize that they have different lives, independent of me. I can't always be worrying about everyone else, because no matter what I do, in the end, they will make their own decisions and their own mistakes, and I will make mine. I think no matter how much we try to intervene in the lives of people who mean so much to us, in the end it is theirs and not ours. They will live their own lives, and maybe someday forget about how much we tried to be there for them. I too used to have friends who loved me and helped me through things, but now, I don't even remember their names.
I always wanted to make an impact on someone's life, be something special to them. Leave my fingerprints on their lives, so if someone else passes by, they would clearly stand out. But, that is not how things work. I can't force someone to love me. Even if I cry, and even if I yell, and let them know much I love them. If they don't have feelings for me anymore, nothing I do will bring them back. Realizing that, I think, is what is giving me this peace. Once you see the truth, you really gain this understanding of how things work, and how they're supposed to be. "Some things are not meant to be".
But.. maybe someday.. someone will come along. Someone who will love me, without me asking them to.

Meh, I guess now I know how much faith I have in fate.

"It is far easier for us to accept the death of someone we love than to cope with the idea of losing him and discovering that he is able to carry on with his life, in all its intricacies, despite our absense."

Ahlam Mosteghanemi, Chaos of the Senses

Yay for a new layout!!!~~

I used to think that I new myself very well. But now.. I am not too sure.
I suddenly see myself in a different way. Not the victim that I used to see, but a stubborn, domineering girl. I see that I was so wrong. I have made so many bad decisions before, and I still always thought I was right. I always wanted people to change.. to be how I wanted them to be. Expecting too much, and never appreciating anything in my life. I was so unappreciative.

It feels good to see the truth. Finally, I don't have to think of myself as the tragic heroine. I see that I have hurt people too, and that I wasn't always the saint I thought I was. I think it is good to see your mistakes. It feels good. Because you suddenly don't feel better than everyone else, and suddenly you feel that you are just like them.

For the past few months, I felt so confused. I tried to forget. I tried to move on. I was always beating myself up for not being able to do it. But now, I don't try anymore. I have come to accept things just the way they are. Because I see that I deserve it. Karma is a bitch after all! My feelings of nostalgia are still there, but I am not confused anymore. I don't try to make decisions about what to do. I let everything flow the way it is supposed to be. If things are meant to happen, they will happen. If not, then no matter how hard I try, it will never work out. Some might call it self-deception.. but believing in fate gives me comfort, and that is what matters.

I want to change. I want to be someone else. Someone better. I try to think of all the good things in my life, the small things, appreciating them instead of focusing on something that will never give me happiness. Life is so comical in that way. We're always running after things that we desire, and when they are finally in our possession, they suddenly become so ordinary. I don't want to waste my life running after illusions. I am so tried of always trying so hard not to be selfish. But, no matter what I do, I will always be selfish. Because I only see the world through my own eyes, so how can I ever understand another's vision? Being selfish is not a bad thing. Because you have to live your life for yourself.. it is your life.

I remember when my uncle told me something.. "no matter what decision we make, we always end up regretting it". I don't think there is anything more true that this. So, why spend my life miserably now when I will have plenty of time to regret when I am old and grey?

There's only a month left for school. And then we start exams. My exam sechedule sucks, but at least I get a whole week to study, which is good given the amount of readings I need to catch up on.

I haven't found a summer job yet. It seems like every job I have looked into requires something that I don't have. Sometimes it really feels like there are NO jobs in this city. It is so dead, especially in the summer, since all the university kids go back home.

I've started making some plans for this summer. There are a few things that I would like to do. I think I would like to start exercising, you know, take care of my body more. Also, I have some anime and drama and few books on my waiting list. Oh, and I have made a decision to get a shot at reading WAR AND PEACE by Tolstoy. I am really excited. My Literature professor said that he loved the book, and also I think it would be really cool to be able to say that I have read it. It will probably take the whole 3 months, or maybe more, since I am a really slow reader. But I'll definitely try my best.

I still haven't written my essay. I chose a topic, but I have no ideas yet. The books I got from the library for my research at still on my desk, untouched. *Sigh* I always feel so lazy on the weekends. I am just dreading writing that essay, and I know I can't put it off any longer, or it would be left for last minute, and that is crazy.

I'm trying to read Watchmen, but I don't have the hard copy. I got the electronic version, but I hate reading it on my computer, my eyes start hurting after a while. I would totally go out and buy it, but I am so broke right now T^T! All the copies in the library are checked out, and there are more than 30 people on the waiting list to get it!!! I guess it got really popular since the movie came out. I really want to watch the movie, but I am so goddamn faint-hearted, I think I would die from seeing so much violence. And also, Dr. Manhattan really really scares me! Especially his eyes.. >_<

Ok, my eyes are burning right now. I think I'll read Watchmen for a little bit, and go to sleep. Good night.

Even though Febuary has finally ended and March is here, it seems like the weather continues to be a bitch. It was -12 today! Why, oh why do you do this Canada? *sigh*~

Still panicking about my essay, which is due next week. But, all the same I am too lazy to start doing my research properly. Meh. I'll probably write it up at the last minute.. just the usual.

I've been reading Dostoevsky (yay! I spelled his name right!) for my Literature class. We're reading Notes from Underground. Not his most famous work, but still, I like it. I've never read Dostoevsky before, his work is very philosophical, which is totally my kind of novel. I should have finished the whole novel today.. but failed. I only read the first part. We're reading Tolstoy for Thursday, which means I am totally screwed!

So..I found out that Buck-Tick have a new album released last Month. I haven't listened to it yet, but I will probably do it tomorrow on the bus. I'm really excited. I saw their new PV, Galaxy, totally loved the song!

Anyways.. I have to go to bed now. Need to wake up early tomorrow.

So, If you're a L'Arc~en~Ciel fan, you know that they're taking a break by now. And if you're a fan of Hyde, then you know that he started a new band with Kaz, which he previously worked with on his album Fatih. They're called VAMPS. Cheesy name, I know.

I was really worried when I listened to their first single Love Addict. I HATED it!
Now, they have two new singles out. I Gotta Kick Start Now, and a cover of Shampoo's Trouble. I think the first one is okay. But Trouble has really grown on me lately. I think the original is ridiculous. Vamps definitely gave it a new flavour, and I like it so much more.

I heard some really sad news today. A man died of a heart attack back in my village in Syria.
I remember him. He had 4 daughters, the older two were my friends. Last summer, I went to their house a few time, and had dinner with their family. I used to say hi to him almost everyday as I passed by his small shop on my way walking from my grandmother's to my uncle's house and back. I remember how I used to go down to that shop every time my aunt made fries. He never had spicy ketchup. Actually, he never had ketchup at all. He always smiled and apologized though. He was a nice man.

I don't know why this news hit me today. He wasn't that old. Maybe in his mid-fifties. I don't know. But, it seemed like suddenly death is so.. real. I had never experienced a loved one dying in my life. It was always my dad's friend. Or my mom's aunt whom I have never met. It was always people I didn't know, or didn't remember. I feel so sad. It feels like sometimes life snatches the people we least expect. I wonder how his daughters are feeling. I know they loved him and respected him very much. I hope they're doing alright.

I thought about my dad today. As if I was looking at him for the first time. It always seemed to me like other people's dads die. But not mine. I think about all the time I have yelled at him and made him angry. I'm thinking that I should start telling him that I loved him more often.

I love my dad.

I didn't realize I had abandoned by journal for 3 whole months!
... I just randomly feel like writing here. I don't even know why.. I guess it's kind of cathartic for me right now.

I'm back to school this week after the break. It was kind of boring. I did go out quite a few times. Spent a lot of money, which is never a good thing for me. Especially when I am on the verge of bankruptcy. But, oh well. I am actually kind of surprised at myself for not freaking out about all my debts. Maybe I'm just in denial. Who knows.

School has been okay. I have an essay that is due March 12. I should be doing my research now. But I haven't even decided on my topic. I also should be looking for a job. But I don't have time. Actually, I'm lying. I'm just lazy.

I was thinking today, about life. Just contemplating how boring our lives are. Ever since I read Madame Bovary, I think about it all the time. Why can't life resemble the movies we see. The books we read. The songs we listen to. Why is it that nothing lasts? Why is it that we are always looking for approval and acceptance, but we are always faced with disappointment in the people we love, and in ourselves. I guess we all want to find something that gives our lives some meaning. Something that makes us feel special, and different from the rest of world. But ultimately, we are all the same. We all want the same things in life. We always run towards the things that we think will make us happy, but once we reach them, we are slapped in the face by how our life remains unchanged. And so, we find something else that might fulfill our desires, and we pursue it instead, and so on. The never ending cycle of desire and disppointment. When I think about this. I feel sad. Humanity is so pathetic.

Meh, I guess I'm just rambling here. But seriously, reading so much European literature in 6 months can make you quite philosophically inclined.

"But what does it matter what reality is outside myself, so long as it has helped me to live, to feel that I am, and what I am?" - Charles Baudelaire

Hai there. eljay!! Long time no see!!

Yes, yes. I have been busy. I mean, very busy. With school mostly, midterms and papers an' all. So, I really did not have any time to update.

Hmm.. what's new? Nothing really. I've started french and Japanese lessons with my sister and my friend. We've only had one lesson though, because I don't have time anymore with exams starting in Decemer. So, we're just gonna continue after my exams are done. Also, I am going to start learning italian on my own. I ordered this textbook they use in my university's italian classes for beginners, and I'm still waiting for it to arrive.

I think I just need something to do. And I really like learning new languages because it's fun, and it takes so much of your brain power that you don't have time to think or worry about anything else. I've been obsessed with italian ever since we read Dante in my literature class, and I really want to master italian so I can read the original text in the original language. I don't know how well I will do though, since I am only studying on my own. But I guess a challenge is something that I would enjoy taking on.

So, my exams start in two weeks. Next week I have a paper due. And a presentation. Not to mention the depressing amount of reading that I need to get done before my exams. Thankfully I am done on the 9th, so I can relax and enjoy the early Christmas holidays.

Wish me luck!~